Title: The Nose Warmer Type: Date Published: 2007-05-17 Can be purchased in Volume 1

     It's track season - the season when lots of young people are running up and down the street with a look on their face that makes a person think they must be passing a kidney stone. Perhaps it isn't that bad, but I have yet to see any of them smiling.
     I remember back to my high school track days. It was springtime, when most young people's thoughts, at least those who are single, turn to something other than track. Our coach had a hard time getting enough runners to field any sort of a team. He promised a varsity letter to anyone who came out for track, competed, and finished the season.
     Thus our ranks were filled with those who only had a vague idea what a track looked like. One such participant was Sam. Sam was the chess club president and part of the chemistry club, but he was determined to earn a varsity letter to brag about to his children.
     The day of the first meet arrived and we were given the standard issue: a pair of nylon running shorts, a nylon tank top shirt, and, of course, a supporter. We had to supply our own running shoes. We went to our assigned lockers to dress. Sam held up the supporter. "Hey, guys, what's this?"
     We couldn't believe he hadn't used one in all those years we had P.E., starting clear back in seventh grade, but apparently he hadn't, not even for the recent track practices.
     Jack was just about to explain to him that it was the underclothes for guys participating in sports, when Lenny, the team comedian, put his hand on Jack's shoulder and interceded. "That," Lenny explained to Sam, "is a nose warmer."
     "A nose warmer?" Sam queried further.
     "Yes," Lenny continued, not even cracking a smile. Without actually putting it on, but just holding it up in front of his face, Lenny showed how it would fit perfectly over the head and nose as he continued with his exposé. "It has been clinically shown that an athlete can improve his performance by at least 10% if the air he breathes is warm, much like a car engine does. Thus, by simply trapping your breath and recycling it, you too can have a remarkable increase in your stamina and speed."
     "Wow! That's cool!" Sam exclaimed.
     While the rest of us were coughing and choking the laughter out of our throats, Lenny's face had a serious look as he continued. "Only the bravest, and most determined athletes will wear one, because they are still considered nontraditional. If you want to wear it, I would suggest you only put it on at the last minute when the gun is fired, so you can take the competition by surprise."
     By this time Sam was dressed and he headed excitedly out to the track, supporter in hand. Most of the team had their heads stuffed in their lockers, trying not to laugh. As soon as Sam was gone, the room exploded. "You don't think he'll really do it, do you?" Jack asked through his guffaws.
     "Of course not," Lenny scoffed. "Do you think I would have said it if I thought he would? I'm sure he'll figure it out. If he didn't, it would make the whole team look stupid."
     We didn't think any more about it. The track meet progressed as usual. Finally came the time for the mile - Sam's event. The runners all lined up. Just as the gun went off, Sam slipped the supporter over his head and was off with the rest. Before the first lap was over, runners were falling like flies, choking and gagging with mirth, as Sam surged past them toward the front. He placed in the top few, higher than he ever would again, due mostly to the fact that most of the viable competition were about ready to rupture something in their fits of laughter.
     When he came trotting off of the track, to be confronted by a red-faced coach, Sam was all smiles. "Wow, Coach! Did you see how well I did? This nose warmer really works!"
     An hour or two later, after the track meet was over, all of us except Sam, were gathered in the dressing room, now our turn to face an irate coach.
     He glared at us as he held up the now-famous supporter. "I can take losing! I can even handle us taking last! But there are certain embarrassments I can't take! I want to know who the stupid moron is that told Sam this was a nose warmer!"