Title: Gender Differences On Romance Type: Date Published: 2007-02-15 Can be purchased in Volume 1

     Men and women are different. I know you may not think so, but they are; they really are. I could expound on the differences but, since it is Valentine's season, when romance is measured out to us in unhealthy overdoses, I will stick to that area. In particular, I have noticed a great difference in what my wife and I view as a romantic gift.
     Valentine's Day was approaching at a high rate of speed, like a Semi of love bearing down on me, a poor, unromantic Yugo. It was portending to hit me, leaving me as small smudge of road kill on the romantic highway of life. I knew I had to come up with some kind of gift for my wife, but I was clueless about what to get.
     Now, I swear that in our kitchen our appliances have personalities. Our toaster is no different. It has a dial to determine how long it traps something within its jaws, but the dial only seems to have two settings: raw and charcoal. Either you can turn it to the left, in which case it tries to throw anything back at you the second you attempt to toast it, or, you can turn it to the right, and it will lock the item deep within its teeth, growling at you if you try to rescue your food from its grasp, until all of the fire alarms in the house are screaming.
      The toaster's temperament might partially be due to the things it has been fed. My two littlest girls like to try to "flush" (their word, not mine) everything they can think of down its throat, including puzzle pieces, Tinkertoys, and crayons. Even one of my older daughters has learned how to make a s'more in the toaster, something that is meant to be cooked over a campfire where, when it catches fire, it can be buried.
     One day, when our smoke alarm started howling, I was not surprised, when I came into the kitchen, to find my wife wrestling the toaster for what looked like a lump of coal.
     "Give it up," I said. "It isn't going to let you have it until it's had its fill."
     She shook her head. "I definitely need a new toaster."
     "Why?" I asked. "Don't you like pretending your bagels are all chocolate coated?"
     Then, in an instant, inspiration struck, and I knew the perfect Valentine's Day gift.
     And thus it was, on Valentine's Day, my family gathered around to see the thoughtful gift I had purchased. When my wife opened her new, four-slot toaster, instead of the excitement I had expected, she looked at me with her big blue eyes, lip quivering. "It's sure a nice toaster," she said, and all of my older daughters rolled their eyes in disgust.
     We've been married long enough that I now can interpret the wife language quite well, though I am not fluent at speaking it, and I knew very well what she was meaning was, "You are absolutely a clueless male that got something for the kitchen and not for me!" though she was too kind to say it in English.
     That's the thing we differ on. If I need a new drill or hammer to work on a project, and my birthday is coming up, I try to tell her, so she can get it. Instead, I will get a tie, cuff links, a new shirt, or cologne - something that is totally useless for the project I am currently involved in.
     Anyway, I think I'm getting this present thing all figured out. I have an anniversary coming up and I know just the thing I will buy. She loves a nice, neat yard, so I will buy her a new lawnmower. Surely she will love that, especially if it is self-propelled with an electric start.